Surf, Sand, and Awkward Silence [Gilbert]

[Deleted]

The air was humid and hot, even though the sun was hiding behind grey clouds, and the blond boy sitting beneath the shade of a palm tree read a book to keep cool. The beach was more or less deserted today, the weather warding off the usual crowds, which was why Matt had chosen to brave the heat so he could enjoy the quiet. It had been a hectic last couple of days to say the very least and the Canadian needed the peace and quiet to think things few and sort out his thoughts.

Why was Matthew feeling so stressed and confused? Simple, his roommate Gilbert. To sum things up quick and neatly as to why the German was always on the Canadian boy's mind those days was due to the fact that a few nights ago they had gotten drunk together, ended up kissing, Gil said that he liked Matt which was a total surprise because up until then, Gil had been all about girls and apparently it took getting drunk with a cute Canadian to change that. Oh, and to top off things, while drunk Matt had transformed into a polar bear and smacked Gil across the face, badly bruising him and giving him a mild concussion. So to say the least, Matt hadn't seen much of his roommate since that night because Gil had been in the nurses office and Matt had made sure he was too busy to run into him out of guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

Guilt because of hurting Gilbert, not the kiss... Actually, that had been really nice and apparently a date was going to happen sometime but Matt avoiding Gil made that difficult. Setting down his book, Matt pushed up his glasses and stared out upon the ocean, his expression solemn and thoughtful. He felt like a coward and had been making it up to Gil without directly interacting with him: cleaning their dorm, preparing lunch and breakfast before the German woke or returned, and even leaving a box of maple candies at Gil's bedside with a note that said, 'Sorry!'

However, Matt had always made excuses to not answer calls or 'accidentally' not respond to texts because he was training, or in the library, studying, or accidentally ate his phone as a polar bear. Okay, that last one never happened but Matt almost wrote it.

Groaning and leaning his head back against the tree, Matt was wallowing in his self-pity and shame when his phone vibrated. Picking it up and reading the text, from Gil, 'Yo! Sup?', Matt bit his lower lip and hesitated to reply.

'At the beach reading, studying for test' he wrote back, frowning at the words and the lie, he wasn't studying, though his thumb paused over the Send button. 'Come and join me?' he added, then sent it.

[GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT]

After a two day stint of bed rest in the infirmary, Gilbert was finally out and about again. Having been observed to avoid the worst possible effects of the concussion, he had been released with the understanding that any dizziness, nausea, or confusion be reported immediately.

The only confusion the student was experiencing, however, was about what exactly he was feeling about this whole emotional tsunami that had swept him up and carried him far from his comfort zone. Sitting on his neatly-made bed back in the dorm room, he glanced around at the freshly cleaned interior. It seemed that Matthew was still apologizing, or something, since he had found a box of sweets on his bedside table. They tasted like maple just as Matthew's lips had that night...

Swallowing the candy a little more hastily than he'd intended, Gilbert flopped back onto his bed.

So... he had a date. Or so he had when he and Matthew had last spoken (before Gilbert had passed out from his injuries). But while he had been in the infirmary, he hadn't heard from or seen his roommate at all. He had tried calling his phone only for his calls to go unanswered. He had tried texting, just simple things like, Hey, are you feeling alright? and You've got a helluva right hook. All he wanted was to maybe spark a conversation, start a dialogue and try to flesh out exactly what was happening.

When he had proposed the date to his roommate, Matthew had seemed pleased, but now... maybe he had only been pretending so as not to hurt Gilbert's feelings? That seemed just like the sort of thing that the sweet Canadian would do. Damn it.

Gnawing at his thumbnail (a habit he often indulged when smoking was off limits), Gilbert tried texting one last time.

Yo. 'Sup?

Setting his phone aside, he sighed and stared up at the ceiling. Half expecting not to get a reply, he resolved himself to waiting for Matthew here. It wasn't as though the other student could avoid checking into their shared room for the night. 

bzzz  bzzzzzzz

Gilbert sat up quickly, grasping for his phone and reading the screen.

At the beach reading, studying for test. Come and join me?

With his heart climbing up his throat, Gilbert fumbled with the touchscreen, texting back hastily as he stood to change into some more beach-suitable clothes.

on my way ;)

Donning sunglasses, a tank top, swim trunks, and some sandals, Gilbert jogged out of the dorms and in the direction of the beach, ignoring that he was supposed to avoid too much strenuous activity for at least a week.

[Deleted]

'on my way ; )'

Matt instantly blushed once he saw the text and puffed out his cheeks with a heavy exhaled. His heart began to beat fast and his hands became sweaty because, well Matthew was so not good with anything romantic related and he fact that Gil, who newly considered he might be into guys, has asked him out. To be perfectly honest, the Canadian still thought that the date, and maybe even their kiss, had been because of Gil being drunk and his concussion. This was partly why Matt had been giving the other the last couple of days to himself, to think and whatnot, because yeah sure Matt has always found Gil to be attractive and thought of him as a good friend, but... Okay, it was a confusing situation for them both.

Fighting in his seat of sand, Matt watched a few seagulls and he called out a greeting, which caught their attention and flew down to him. Smiling at the birds, Matt started up a conversation, about fish and the weather, with the birds in English to him, but bear growling and grunts to any other human.

As preoccupied as he was with his conversation, Matt failed to see the figure walking down the beach until his two new friends altered him and flew off and the Canadian looked up and blinked. "Oh! Afternoon, Gilbert! How are you, ah... feeling, eh?"

[GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT]

Gilbert peered out from under the brim of a straw sunhat, his nose dabbed with sunscreen. Well, along with every other part of his body. Being albino and out in the sun was generally highly inadvisable, but today was mostly overcast and it would take a lot more than sunburn to keep Gilbert away from the beach. He and Matthew had unsettled business... and maybe a date.

Matthew had been easy to find due to the couple of seagulls that were drifting lazily around him. The blonde seemed to be grunting and growling in response to the cry of the waterfowl, presumably communicating. Unable to stop himself grinning a little bit, Gilbert enjoyed the view for a moment. It was fascinating to see Matthew expressing himself to the animals - his face and body being used in subtle ways to relay his meanings.

It was about then that the Canadian seemed to catch sight of him.

"Oh! Afternoon, Gilbert! How are you, ah... feeling, eh?"

"I've been better," he admitted with a grin. Luckily, his dark sunglasses hid the worst of the bruising. "But hey, the infirmary finally decided I could leave. About time - a guy can only count the ceiling tiles in there so many times!"

Chuckling, he tried to ease the tension he sensed between them. He wasn't sure that it was successful.

"So, uh... how're you doin'?" he asked, taking a stab at conversation but not mentioning the many times he'd called or texted to ask the same question.

[Deleted]

"I've been better, But hey, the infirmary finally decided I could leave. About time - a guy can only count the ceiling tiles in there so many times!"

Matthew dryly chuckled along with Gilbert, forcing a smile and to appear cheerful because he knew that his roommate was trying to make light I his injury, but in all honesty his words felt like a kick in the gut to Matt and rightly so. Guilt coloured his cheeks with a blush but he kept on smiling, because he.was glad to see Gilbert, but hell to the yes he also felt very awkward and unsure.

"So, uh... how're you doin'?"

"Oh, I've been fine, really busy. I'be been training and I had to do an essay for history so I've been in the library mostly, and Alfred and I had supper and... Yeah".

Shrugging his shoulders, Matthew ended up mumbling his excuses because he knew that they were both well aware that Matt had been avoiding this conversation but not necessarily on purpose, because he really had an essay to write, but also yes he was a coward. Looking up at Gil from over his glasses, Matt gave the German a small smile and patted the sand beside him. "Take a seat, eh? You're supposed to be taking it easy anyway".

This was Matt's way of saying that he was sorry, he's a coward, an awkward, awkward, shy coward. Still blushing and smiling slightly, the Canadian turned his gaze towards the ocean, biting his lower lip, and nervously playing with the string of his swim shorts.

[GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT]

"Oh, I've been fine, really busy. I'be been training and I had to do an essay for history so I've been in the library mostly, and Alfred and I had supper and... Yeah."

Matthew looked embarrassed as he trailed off.

"Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate lately, then, huh?" Gilbert replied, trying to sound nonchalant. Really, he was worried that maybe Matthew was having second thoughts about their whole potential date thing.

"Take a seat, eh? You're supposed to be taking it easy anyway".

Nodding, the albino admitted that that was true. He wasn't even supposed to be outside, he was pretty sure. But he didn't mind. His own health had always been disturbingly low on his internal list of priorities. Doing whatever he goddamned wanted, however, was very near the top.

He plopped down on the hot sand beside Matthew, purposefully sitting a tad closer than he usually might have.

"I bet it's been pretty boring and quiet around with me bein' in the infirmary." He let out a chuckle. That was Gilbert's way of asking, "So, did you miss me at all while I was away?"

After a moment's thought, he slowly placed his hand on Matthew's, but didn't hold it in case the Canadian felt the need to draw away.

[Deleted]

Matthew let out an unsteady breath when Gilbert came to sit beside him and it took all of his courage not to shift away, though this was his natural reaction, because he believed that Gil at least deserved his company after having been avoided for the past few days. A light breeze shifted his golden hair and Matt tucked a wavy lock behind his ear, having inherited his French mother's slight curl while Alfred mainly had inherited the English side of the family's hair. Steadily though, the boy relaxed and leaned back against the tree more, content with the company.

"I bet it's been pretty boring and quiet around with me bein' in the infirmary."

Licking his lips and feeling his heart flutter, Matt chuckled lightly and gazed down at his hand fiddling with his drawstring. "I honestly did wish to come visit but, as I said, I was, um... busy and really, I didn't know what to say..." The Canadian's tone grew soft and sad and his smile couldn't fight back the frown anymore. Truly and honestly he felt so bad for having hurt Gilbert and for the German to act like it was no big deal was like salt in the would for Matt.

He felt that he didn't deserve such a kindness because if Gil hadn't protecting himself, it could have been possible that Matt could have slashed Gil's face open or worse, broken his neck.

Clearing his throat, Matt continued, his smile having returned, "But I hope you found the dorm nicely clean and enjoyed the sandwiches and candies I left for you," he turned to look up at Gil, "My way to say that the dorm has been lonely without- out... Ah..."

Matt sputtered and his face went instantly as red as his nation's flag when he felt a hand upon his. Wide and surprised violet eyes turned down to stare at the image and the Canadian lost the ability to speak out of pure shyness.

[Deleted]

Matthew let out an unsteady breath when Gilbert came to sit beside him and it took all of his courage not to shift away, though this was his natural reaction, because he believed that Gil at least deserved his company after having been avoided for the past few days. A light breeze shifted his golden hair and Matt tucked a wavy lock behind his ear, having inherited his French mother's slight curl while Alfred mainly had inherited the English side of the family's hair. Steadily though, the boy relaxed and leaned back against the tree more, content with the company.

"I bet it's been pretty boring and quiet around with me bein' in the infirmary."

Licking his lips and feeling his heart flutter, Matt chuckled lightly and gazed down at his hand fiddling with his drawstring. "I honestly did wish to come visit but, as I said, I was, um... busy and really, I didn't know what to say..." The Canadian's tone grew soft and sad and his smile couldn't fight back the frown anymore. Truly and honestly he felt so bad for having hurt Gilbert and for the German to act like it was no big deal was like salt in the would for Matt.

He felt that he didn't deserve such a kindness because if Gil hadn't protecting himself, it could have been possible that Matt could have slashed Gil's face open or worse, broken his neck.

Clearing his throat, Matt continued, his smile having returned, "But I hope you found the dorm nicely clean and enjoyed the sandwiches and candies I left for you," he turned to look up at Gil, "My way to say that the dorm has been lonely without- out... Ah..."

Matt sputtered and his face went instantly as red as his nation's flag when he felt a hand upon his. Wide and surprised violet eyes turned down to stare at the image and the Canadian lost the ability to speak out of pure shyness.

[GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT]

"I honestly did wish to come visit but, as I said, I was, um... busy and really, I didn't know what to say..."

Gilbert recognized the emotion all over Matthew's face - it was the same one Ludwig wore when he accidentally broke something or hurt someone as a result of his powers. It was guilt and shame and maybe even a small touch of feel. The albino sighed. It was hard for him to relate to their situation - his powers weren't the sort that could very easily hurt others with carelessness. In fact, he was more likely to hurt himself with a thoughtless maneuver. 

"But I hope you found the dorm nicely clean and enjoyed the sandwiches and candies I left for you."

"It was real nice, thanks," Gilbert replied, grinning crookedly.

"My way to say that the dorm has been lonely without- out... Ah..."

Ears turning red, the older boy coughed and tried to act unaffected. Matthew's shy expression was so cute and his words were so sweet that he felt as though he could just grab him and squeeze him. He was cute like the fluffiest of little birds!

Removing his hand, he reached over to pet Matthew's head in an affectionate way. 

"Hey... I know you're really worked up about everythin', but you gotta let it go. Sometimes you're gonna make mistakes 'r do stuff you can't control, but that's why you're doin' that trainin' stuff with that Berwald guy, right? So you can get better?" He grinned reassuringly. "You're already on your way to makin' less mistakes!"

[Deleted]

How did Matthew always find himself in awkward situations? Not sure exactly what to make of or how to react to Gilbert’s hand over his own, Matthew was spared the agony of trying to figure that out by removing his hand and the Canadian had a short moment to let out his breath before he blinked when suddenly he found himself being petted by the German instead.

"Hey... I know you're really worked up about everythin', but you gotta let it go. Sometimes you're gonna make mistakes 'r do stuff you can't control, but that's why you're doin' that trainin' stuff with that Berwald guy, right? So you can get better? You're already on your way to makin' less mistakes!"

The boy’s expression immediately dropped into one of complete lack of amusement and there was even a twitch in his brow. Somewhere in the back of his mind Matt identified that Gil was just trying to make him feel better, to try to help, but an even larger part of him, namely his bear part, was severely having at issue with being talked to like a child who knocked a vase over and that accidents happened. Not only had Matt already had that conversation on the phone with his father and his younger brother, Alfred, but never did Matt think that Gil would be next in line; Gil, being the guy whom he kissed and all.

The Canadian’s hand shot up without warning to smack the German’s away.

“Look, Gilbert, just because I’m feeling guilty about nearly ripping your face off does not mean you’re allowed to patronize me nor pet me like an animal”. Matt was known for when he gets severely annoyed to be brutally honest, just ask his brother, so when he turned to look at Gilbert his expression was complete no-nonsense and serious, “While I appreciate what you’re trying to do, that you’re trying to help and all, but I’d be lying if I said that this isn’t killing any hope of any sort of date”.

Blinking pointedly at Gilbert, tired of this shit already, Matt sighed and shifted his back to be more comfortable against the tree and took in a deep breath to calm down. People always saw Matthew as this cute, shy, friendly boy, and usually they were right, but there were times where he could be an ass, tough, confident, and stand up for himself, and sometimes even punch a guy in the face in hockey. Cute his ass…

[GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT]

Gilbert froze, eyes going wide as his hand hovered mid air before he finally managed to snatch it back for himself.

Struck speechless, he couldn't seem to find the words to reply as Matthew read him the riot act.

“Look, Gilbert, just because I’m feeling guilty about nearly ripping your face off does not mean you’re allowed to patronize me nor pet me like an animal. While I appreciate what you’re trying to do, that you’re trying to help and all, but I’d be lying if I said that this isn’t killing any hope of any sort of date”.


When the blonde had finished, Gilbert didn't know what to say for a long time. He hadn't meant to be patronizing at all, though he was rather guilty of doing to Matthew what he would have to his little brother in more or less the same situation. Matthew probably didn't want his friend and potential date partner to treat him like he would a kid brother, and Gilbert recognized his mistake in that. The head petting thing was really just a habit he'd picked up from his uncle who had done the same thing to him growing up. It was just some small way Gilbert found easy to show affection to people... though it seemed most people took it rather the wrong way. Damn it, old man.

"I... eh, I'm sorry, Matt," he admitted slowly. Gilbert hated to apologize, but more than that he knew he had to take responsibility before he could move forward with his roommate. "I didn't mean t' disrespect you 'r anything like that at all!"

The albino scratched sheepishly at the back of his head. He didn't have many friends or much experience maintaining any sort of relationship at all, but he wanted to keep the communications between himself and Matthew as friendly and positive as ever.

"You know I know you're a helluva guy," he added, hoping Matthew didn't think he was just saying it. He had seen lots of sides of Matthew in their time rooming together. Gilbert had seen Matthew be studious and dedicated, he had seen Matthew angry and irritated with his brother, happy and content with life, or hell, he'd even seen him just about breathe fire over a hockey game (that was almost sort of terrifying, to be honest). But the thing was, he had grown fond of Matthew - all of him. Not just his cute moments (no matter how perfect and adorable they were), but also his moments of strength, his moments of rebellion, and his moments of rage or sorrow. Matthew was cute, yeah, but he was also a smart, capable guy who could, y'know, turn into an enormous goddamned predator capable of mauling a hapless idiot in record time.

"Would you..." he hesitated. Gilbert hated to be put into this sort of position... but he had to ask. Wincing, but bracing himself, he asked quickly, "D'you think you've got it in you to forgive me?"

[Deleted]

Then, there it was... the awkward silence.

Matt took a few calming, deep breaths and continued his gaze out upon the ocean, while his cheeks slowly filled with blush as his words hung over them both. The Canadian had meant every word he had said, because Gil really had crossed a line and had acted rather un-romantic, friend-like and more brotherly, which was fucking awkward. Still, he had caught sight of the German's shocked expression, thus the cause of his chagrin.

"I... eh, I'm sorry, Matt. I didn't mean t' disrespect you 'r anything like that at all!"

Glancing aside at his roommate, the boy's violet eyes briefly widened and watched subtly, curious and fascinated at his white-haired companion. "You know I know you're a helluva guy".

Matt bit his lower lip, trying to fight back the grin that was creeping at the corners of his mouth and to distract himself, he fetched his small backpack that held an emergency set of clothes and another pair of glasses in case of a sudden transformation, retrieved a pre-rolled joint, and lit up. Inhaling slowly, holding it, then exhaling through his nostrils, the Canadian became much more comfortable to shift his position so he could face Gilbert a bit more easily. Matt did not smoke often, just occasionally, just enough to calm his nerves and settle his emotions lest he become too stressed out thus igniting his bear nature. He did not consider himself a "pothead" and would be offended if ever he was called one but this situation called for a few hoots and already he could feel himself growing more mellow.

"Would you..." Gilbert paused. "D'you think you've got it in you to forgive me?"

In that moment, Gilbert looked so small and apologetic and awkward, so out of place, that as Matt breathes smoke, a smile finally brightened his expression. Wordlessly, the Canadian offered the German his joint, brow raised in amusement, though there was a tender softness in his eyes. "How about we just call it even, I'll stop apologizing if you will because, Gilbert... It does not suit you". Laughing at himself, because it had been a joke, Matt smiled at the other and for the first time in the last few days, he felt the knot in his chest lossen and felt better.

[GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT]

"How about we just call it even, I'll stop apologizing if you will because, Gilbert... It does not suit you"

Laughing, Gilbert agreed. "Sounds about right."

However, he hesitated when he was offered the joint. It wasn't that he cared much about being anti-drug or anything, and he didn't care at all that his roommate smoked, but he really wasn't into it himself. That, and his uncle had been pretty strict on just that one thing.

"You can drink alcohol until you're sick, and you can smoke cigarettes until you can't breathe, but there I draw the line," the old man had said on the subject. It was the stance that the German military held, too (last he'd heard, anyway). And really, Gillbert wasn't sure how he felt about it. He was curious, but hesitant... almost as if afraid to break the rules (God forbid!). It was that anxiety about breaking the rules that gave him the courage to act.

This was high school. Peer pressure was a bitch. Heh.

Grinning at Matthew (whose smile was soft and sweet at the moment) Gilbert took the joint and puffed on it like a cigarette, not sure if that was how you were supposed to do it. It occurred to him that this sort of thing was actually illegal in the US, and he wondered about the repercussions of being caught might be. But his caring about it began to fade as he handed the joint back to his roommate.

"So, uh... how'd you get into all this?" he asked, exhaling slowly.

[Deleted]

Sighing out the breath he'd been holding once he heard that things seemed to be all good between him and Gil once more, Matt watched with amused interest at the indecision in his roommate's red eyes at the joint in his hand. By all means Matt was not one for enforcing drugs or pressuring others or the sort, he was just being polite and seeing as the German already smoked cigarettes, he felt that offering him a puff was okay.

After a few moments of hesitation, the Canadian chuckled slightly when Gil finally made up his mind and partook, to which Matt just shook his head and grinned. Listening to the sea and gulls while Gil exhaled, Matt took back the joint and laughed softly at Gil's question.

"So, uh... how'd you get into all this?"

"Well, to be honest," he began looking at the smouldering thing between his fingers, taking another small puff, "I tried it when I was about fifteen and didn't care for it at all. However, after my first transformation, I was having such a tough time staying calm that I started again and it really helped. The school here knows that I do it, my parents pleaded my case about it, I just can't really do it in public and stuff".

Shrugging his shoulders and coughing bit, Matt shot Gilbert a goofy smirk and said with laughter in his tone, "What can I say? I'm a badass... But I'm never drinking again". Chuckling with his blush, Matthew shook head and sighed, beginning to feel so great; the last few days had not been fun.

[GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT]

"Well, to be honest, I tried it when I was about fifteen and didn't care for it at all. However, after my first transformation, I was having such a tough time staying calm that I started again and it really helped."

Gilbert nodded, then chuckled, feeling that there was a medicinal usage joke somewhere in that statement. He passed it by, though, and declined Matthew's second offering of the joint. He decided he wasn't really into it, but instead withdrew a cigarette from his pocket to smoke companionably.

"The school here knows that I do it, my parents pleaded my case about it, I just can't really do it in public and stuff".

"Heh, aren't we in public now?" Glancing over at his roommate/friend/potential date partner, the albino offered a crooked grin. "Or is it 'cuz I'm here?"

He was teasing, obviously, but he sensed that maybe all those nerves and anxieties that Matthew talked about dealing with might include what the Canadian was feeling for him. Honestly, he was curious. He wanted to know what the other was thinking of him.

... Aside from that earlier irritation and stuff.

"What can I say? I'm a badass... But I'm never drinking again."

Gilbert laughed out loud. "You're almost as bad a drinker as West! It's prolly better you don't drink anymore! Heh."

Composing himself, he glanced over at Matthew. Now that he had brought up that night, this was Gilbert's chance!

"So, about the other night, I've been thinkin' about it for the past few days... and losin' sleep, too! So, uh, listen up to what I've gotta say!"

He coughed, then took a drag on his cigarette. After a few moments of gathering himself, he started with, "I, uh... I really was really honest 'bout all that stuff. Now that I'm not all drunk 'r concussed 'r anything. And I, uh... I mean, you might not guess it with how awesome I am, but I'm not real experienced with datin' and all that, so if I say somethin' wrong, I'm sorr- I mean! I mean, uh... just sorta smack me 'r somethin'."

He busied himself with his cigarette which had become suddenly very interesting to him.